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Battle report narrative first attempt:Only Fools and Natives

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PostPosted: Wed Mar 07, 2007 8:18 am 
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Re CC i am having more ideas now, most of the cc 00as were pretty clear cut as one broke and had a sword in their back.

What i did like was rolling for injuries immediately it added an element of fun to the game i may keep doing that. rather than struggling to remember at the end and then laught about it, we laughed at the time.

I.e. the ganger who got blow 3 inches down from a walk way and got hideous scars, all i thought of was teeth exlpoding everywhere.

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PostPosted: Wed Mar 07, 2007 8:54 am 
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Gah on another reread I can still see loads of problems with my edit. :-(


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 07, 2007 8:56 am 
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Rift wrote:
Gah on another reread I can still see loads of problems with my edit. :-(


Thus the "joy" of writing... :lol:

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PostPosted: Wed Mar 07, 2007 8:58 am 
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rift are you edting the version in this thread as that is the most uptodate version i have. take that and have a look, and i will have a look at on thursday evening i guess, other wise i am away till next thursday.

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PostPosted: Wed Mar 07, 2007 8:59 am 
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Bugger no, I was going by the one you sent me last night on msn....

-edit-I have got that one stored in a word file now and will look at it later/tomorrow as im exhausted now.

Anyway have a great time away and say hello to dan for me. :)


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 09, 2007 11:37 am 
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I do some free work as an editor part time, so I took a couple hours and went through this since you had asked for some help. By no means think everything I changed is the proper way to do it. I hope you like what I did with it.
Only Fools and natives. Working title


It was a cold dark night made even more miserable due to the air circulating fans malfunctioning a few hours ago. The gale force winds generated in turn made walking in the open treacherous. Without a handrail to grip onto you could easily be swept away.

This made the boring duty of guarding the guilder warehouse even more tedious as the ladies of house Esher huddled behind bulkheads and peered into the darkness. Any other night and they would have been tucked up warm up bed, but today the warehouse was full and a caravan was due to arrive at dawn. Despite the cold they felt safe, only a fool would be out in weather like this…

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There were other people not sleeping that night and they certainly weren't fools. Eleven grizzled natives were worming their way through the narrow twisting tunnels to gain access to the rear of the warehouse. They had jammed the fans all the way open earlier in the evening and were expecting the soft uphivers to be quivering in their warm holes as a result leaving all the loot for them!

A few minutes later and the Ratskins were into the warehouse split into packs of three. They threaded their way through the debris toward the centre of the warehouse, the goal of the operation. The Escher scum had no idea that the warehouse was being infiltrated and they were unaware of the Ratskins taking up strategic positions to observe them. The Ratskins on the ground could clearly see seven of the wenches and they spotted the remaining four lurking in the shadows shortly there after. The Chief thought to himself, “So they did brave the cold of the night, a pity for them that they won’t see it through.”

The Ratskin leader scaled a small silo to get a vantage point from which to direct his hoard. To his right were two groups of three warriors. The nearest group contained the shaman, shaman adept and his finest warrior Dirty Paws. Beyond them were two shotgun wielding warriors and a bow wield brave. On the chief’s left was their sacred wyrd ‘guest’. A strange man, he could launch fire from his hands and seemed untouchable, almost godlike to them. So much so in fact that they are insistent he stays with them. Flanking the are two lasgun wielding warriors. (this last sentence doesn’t make a lot of sense – I think it’s missing a word – what or who are they flanking? The wyrd? The whole gang?)

The band took aim on the luckless Eschers. Carefully picking their targets, a few smirked to themselves this would be so easy. A low whistle sounded from slightly above, it was the chief’s order to fire.

The restful silence was broken by a deluge of shot guns blasts, lasguns cracks, bow twangs and the chatter of autopistol fire. All of which were momentarily drowned out by the sound of psychic fire scorching through the air. It was over in seconds, yet every Esher still stood bar a shotgun wielding ganger who had managed to dive down and narrowly miss two lasgun shots and the ball of wyrd fire. They had all missed; the gods surely must be displeased.

“INTRUDERRRS! TO ARMS!” screamed Maskare the Escher leader, desperately trying to snap her gangers out of their doldrums (“doldrums” usually refers to a period of time – you might want to use something that’s more “stunned confusion”). The sounds of battle snapped Maya, the juve who suffered an unfortunate head wound, out of her happy dream world and straight into her now trademark berserk frenzy. Tasha was the unfortunate ganger on ‘baby sitting’ duty and she raced after the frothing and gibbering juve.

dol•drums pl.n. (used with a sing. or pl. verb)
1.
a. A period of stagnation or slump.
b. A period of depression or unhappy listlessness.

The rest of the Eschers advanced forward, firing on the now obvious intruders. The shots were mostly inconsequential, with one of the intruders diving to the ground, while one unfortunate intruder took the tail end of a plasma burst, knocking him from the top of the silo where he had stood next to the apparent leader, an imposing male wearing the skin of a huge white rat.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Chief paused his signaling for a moment to wipe away the blood of the brave that had stood before him a moment earlier. The gods were not pleased and had not honored his wish for a swift victory. He gestured to his warriors to hold their position and shoot at the advancing Esher.

To his left the honored wyrd and guarding lasgun wielding pair fired determinedly, again preventing the Escher ganger from getting off the ground, whilst the wryd went strangely quiet and a decidedly uneasy look came over his face with a deathly grey pallor.

Dirty Paws seeing his old adversary the dribbling fanatic Esher, launched himself in a rage and leaped to strike with club and sword. But the frothing juve is simple not slow and easily blocks the attack. The two fighters trading blows though neither gained the advantage.

Even though the Esher had taken cover, the warriors still had more than enough clear shots. But yet again the barrage of shots utterly failed to do anything. The gods were showing their displeasure with the Ratskins ineptitude.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Maskare heard screams from above and looked up in time to see one of her gangers be lifted clear of the walkway by the wind and smashed onto the ground headfirst. But there was no time for her to send help; there were male intruders to castrate! She takes aim but there were no clear shot as her gangers charged forward to engage the filthy rats in hand to hand combat.

Tasha ran past Maya and charged the most isolated group of 3 intruders. When a shotgun blast flies overhead, spraying the group with scatter shot, the intruder farthest away crumpled fell from the pile of crates to the ground, out of sight. The other lowly intruder hearing the screams of his companion and faced with a charging Esher turns to run, but is too slow and Maya wastes no time in slashing a huge gouge across his back ripping through rat skin and fur and into warm flesh. He falls to the ground and rolls out of way disappearing from sight. With the momentum of the charge Tasha slams into the last remaining ratskin from the group of three. Behind Tasha another Esher joins Maya in fighting off the charging intruder.

The Esher providing cover fire in the furthest building sees the leader of the invaders and wonders what kind of fool stands in the open. She rains bullets at him, but he seems undeterred even though the bullets are clutching at his pelt and passing inches from him.

The remaining gangers near the intruders but not involved in the close combat take advantage of the building they’re in overlooking the carnage below. They take cover from the enemy and from the elements and shoot at the centre group with the religious looking figures, if you call bunches of skulls religious, but their fire is ineffectual.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Focused by the bullets tearing through his treasured pelt, and with a silent pray for luck the chief’s shotgun rounds fly true and knock one of the Esher clean from her feet, unfortunately not lethal.

To the chief’s left a low whoop is let out as the lasgun pair finally tag the Esher *female dog* as she shows her head for a moment to long.

The wyrd is now swaying and muttering to himself. The chief has faith and is sure mighty balls of fire will smite the wild women.

To his right the furthest group of three now consists of one shotgun wielding warrior locked in single combat with a sword wielding Esher. Seeing the right flank folding, the shaman group lets out a way cry and throw themselves into the fray; the adept lurching forward with the full intent of leaping into the ensuing combat involving Dirty Paws who is outnumbered fighting the manic juve and her burly companion. Unfortunately the mighty charge turns into a puny slide as he loses his footing and the adept slides harmlessly into the ganger knocking them both over, but at least the fights are fair again.

The shaman cries out a war shout to the gods and charges to the right to join combat with the remaining shotgun warrior.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Maskare without a clear shot, takes a moment to survey the battle. In front of her, the gangers are pushing back the intruders with might swings of their swords. Above and behind her, the support team spreads out in the buildings. Despite not actually doing much, they were preventing the intruders from gaining ground and allowing her warriors to close in for the kill.

The fights ahead were swinging in her favour, as the fight between Maya and the burly intruder brutally ended with a club landing across the intruder’s hand smashing the bones and causing him to drop his sword and retreat.

Further ahead the lone ganger facing the shotgun wielding brave and the skull adorned wild man came to a close, as the shotgun wielding ganger succumbed to the fury and the religious looking elder lost faith and turned to run only to receive a sword slice across the arm, cutting deep to the bone.

The remaining gangers poured fire on the enemy leader; the autoguns and shotguns shots come to nothing, but unfortunately for him, a plasma gun shot to the face does do something… melting most of the flesh and some of the brain matter. The leader slumps to his knees clutching what is left of his face.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

What had started as a perfectly laid ambush had now turned into carnage in seconds, with warriors succumbing to fire and falling to the fury of these wild women. Only two of which had suffered any kind of damage. The gods were indeed angry. With the chief on his knees using words that would make a goliath blush, the shaman staggering away trying to stop his arm from falling off, that left a measly two warriors firing their lasguns, the adept locked in close combat and heavily outnumbered, and a rather uncomfortable looking wyrd, the remaining Ratskins decided it was time to leave, and quickly slunk away, dragging and assisting their comrades in their flight.


--------------------------------------------------------------

And with that it was over around her –her gangers were recovering, all fine bar Saber who took the brunt of the fall on her face, once they pick up her teeth from the floor around her and if they could find a good quack she may be able to eat solids again but she certainly won’t be a pageant winner again.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Epilogue

Back at their camp with the chief and shaman both bed bound due to their injuries the ever eager shaman adept took it upon himself to enforce the chiefs will on the unworthy warriors who had failed so badly, never mind the will was coming from the mouth of a semi lobotomized, pain riddled chief, they were his orders and must be followed.

Under the adepts guidance strict training ensues, with one lucky warrior being nominated the target and the rest ordered to train harder with melee weapons than they ev


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 09, 2007 5:10 pm 
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Budro, speshul is away for a while now (of galavanting :P ) so allow me to say thank you for your time and effort on his behalf, im sure he will appreciate it. You phrased some of those lines much better than either of us could have and...well....you have seen how bad my grammar is lol.

The two lasgunners were indeed supposed to be guarding the wyrd, the ratskins were so "insistant" that he stayed that two of them are with him through both of the games he has been in so far. 8-)

There were a few confused facts but that is only to be expected, after all me and speshul were the ones playing and we didnt write things down wonderfully clearly. I think I may add a few things to your version if I may? It was tasha that took out two rattys and the shaman by herself, the other ganger who helped Maya was called Reach...and she was useless lol. The other thing that I want to work in is the fact that tasha has lost an eye, hence why she didnt bother to shoot anyone and went straight to cc. She also lost a wound to the shaman (her only upgrade by that point was an extra one) so that might get squeezed in if it will fit nicely. :)

Once again my friend, thankyou for your efforts they are greatly appreciated, we owe you a pint for that one. :lol:

Cheers!

P.S. tasha got parry and step aside as her upgrades after that game, quite fitting i think. :D


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 12, 2007 4:02 pm 
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tis spesh here!

thank you, i have not had time to read it fully, but i do appreciate the time it must of taken.

I'm on holiday for a week, and was due to set off the day after i wrote that story, i couldn't wait a whole week, and didn't want to pressure any one to get it proof read before i left, so i posted it any to prevent me from stressing or pressuring some one to proof read it.

thanks again, i will have a proper read later and try and pick up what mistakes i have made, without a long winded ramble, its the first time i have done creative writing for a very long time, so it was a challenge for me.

p.s. THANKS

P>S> I am also logged into my brothers account as i'm on his pc... MEH!,

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 12, 2007 4:10 pm 
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toot! Only me.
Thanks again.

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 13, 2007 11:20 am 
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Since you all are the original authors, feel free to do anything you want with my changes (keep them, change them, tinkle on them, ect ;) ).

I enjoyed the read, it's a fun story that tells the battle in a very enjoyable fashion - much better then "then ganger 2 rolled a 4 to hit and 5 for damage, causing an out of action on ratskin 8."

I look forward to more stories from you guys!


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 14, 2007 6:58 am 
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thank you, grammar and mistakes aside, i had hoped it would be an interesting read, and a good summary of a particulary vicous battle.

next story will be better proof read before it hits the world, as said this one was rather rushed.

thanks again, i will have a day to recover and unpack and try and have a look at the story and finalise it as much as i can.

i intend to post a few more stories each done in a different style, to practice both in writing and recording battles evetns as well as assessing the final outcome

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PostPosted: Wed Mar 14, 2007 8:19 am 
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Speshul

Even with all the grammar problems it was a good report. I enjoyed it...

And like everyone already said, keep writing.

I look forward to your next report, makes for an interesting lunch break.

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PostPosted: Wed Mar 28, 2007 12:03 am 
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Only Fools and natives.


It was a cold dark night made even more miserable due to the air circulating fans malfunctioning a few hours ago. The gale force winds generated in turn made walking in the open treacherous. Without a handrail to grip onto you could easily be swept away.

This made the boring duty of guarding the guilder warehouse even more tedious as the ladies of house Esher huddled behind bulkheads and peered into the darkness. Any other night and they would have been tucked up warm up bed, but today the warehouse was full and a caravan was due to arrive at dawn. Despite the cold they felt safe, only a fool would be out in weather like this…

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There were other people not sleeping that night and they certainly weren't fools. Eleven grizzled natives were worming their way through the narrow twisting tunnels to gain access to the rear of the warehouse. They had jammed the fans all the way open earlier in the evening and were expecting the soft uphivers to be quivering in their warm holes as a result leaving all the loot for them!

A few minutes later and the Ratskins were into the warehouse split into packs of three. They threaded their way through the debris toward the centre of the warehouse, the goal of the operation. The Escher scum had no idea that the warehouse was being infiltrated and they were unaware of the Ratskins taking up strategic positions to observe them. The Ratskins on the ground could clearly see seven of the wenches and they spotted the remaining four lurking in the shadows shortly there after. The Chief thought to himself, “So they did brave the cold of the night, a pity for them that they won’t see it through.”

The Ratskin leader scaled a small silo to get a vantage point from which to direct his hoard. To his right were two groups of three warriors. The nearest group contained the shaman, shaman adept and his finest warrior Dirty Paws. Beyond them were two shotgun wielding warriors and a bow wield brave. On the chief’s left was their sacred wyrd ‘guest’. A strange man, he could launch fire from his hands and seemed untouchable, almost godlike to them. So much so in fact that they are insistent he stays with them. Flanking the wyrd are two lasgun wielding warriors.

The band took aim on the luckless Eschers. Carefully picking their targets, a few smirked to themselves this would be so easy. A low whistle sounded from slightly above, it was the chief’s order to fire.

The restful silence was broken by a deluge of shot guns blasts, lasguns cracks, bow twangs and the chatter of autopistol fire. All of which were momentarily drowned out by the sound of psychic fire scorching through the air. It was over in seconds, yet every Esher still stood bar a shotgun wielding ganger who had managed to dive down and narrowly miss two lasgun shots and the ball of wyrd fire. They had all missed; the gods surely must be displeased.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“INTRUDERRRS! TO ARMS!” screamed Maskare the Escher leader, desperately trying to snap her gangers out of their stunned confusion. The sounds of battle snapped Maya, the juve who suffered an unfortunate head wound, out of her happy dream world and straight into her now trademark berserk frenzy. Tasha was the unfortunate ganger on ‘baby sitting’ duty and she raced after the frothing and gibbering juve.

The rest of the Eschers advanced forward, firing on the now obvious intruders. The shots were mostly inconsequential, with one of the intruders diving to the ground, while one unfortunate intruder took the tail end of a plasma burst, knocking him from the top of the silo where he had stood next to the apparent leader, an imposing male wearing the skin of a huge white rat.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Chief paused his signaling for a moment to wipe away the blood of the brave that had stood before him a moment earlier. The gods were not pleased and had not honored his wish for a swift victory. He gestured to his warriors to hold their position and shoot at the advancing Esher.

To his left the honored wyrd and guarding lasgun wielding pair fired determinedly, again preventing the Escher ganger from getting off the ground, whilst the wryd went strangely quiet and a decidedly uneasy look came over his face with a deathly grey pallor.

Dirty Paws seeing his old adversary the dribbling fanatic Esher, launched himself in a rage and leaped to strike with club and sword. But the frothing juve is simple not slow and easily blocks the attack. The two fighters trading blows though neither gained the advantage.

Even though the Esher had taken cover, the warriors still had more than enough clear shots. But yet again the barrage of shots utterly failed to do anything. The gods were showing their displeasure with the Ratskins ineptitude.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Maskare heard screams from above and looked up in time to see one of her gangers be lifted clear of the walkway by the wind and smashed onto the ground headfirst. But there was no time for her to send help; there were male intruders to castrate! She takes aim but there were no clear shot as her gangers charged forward to engage the filthy rats in hand to hand combat.

Tasha ran past Maya and charged the most isolated group of 3 intruders. When a shotgun blast flies overhead, spraying the group with scatter shot, the intruder farthest away crumpled fell from the pile of crates to the ground, out of sight. The other lowly intruder hearing the screams of his companion and faced with a charging Esher turns to run, but is too slow and Maya wastes no time in slashing a huge gouge across his back ripping through rat skin and fur and into warm flesh. He falls to the ground and rolls out of way disappearing from sight. With the momentum of the charge Tasha slams into the last remaining ratskin from the group of three. Behind Tasha another Esher joins Maya in fighting off the charging intruder.

The Esher providing cover fire in the furthest building sees the leader of the invaders and wonders what kind of fool stands in the open. She rains bullets at him, but he seems undeterred even though the bullets are clutching at his pelt and passing inches from him.

The remaining gangers near the intruders but not involved in the close combat take advantage of the building they’re in overlooking the carnage below. They take cover from the enemy and from the elements and shoot at the centre group with the religious looking figures, if you call bunches of skulls religious, but their fire is ineffectual.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Focused by the bullets tearing through his treasured pelt, and with a silent pray for luck the chief’s shotgun rounds fly true and knock one of the Esher clean from her feet, unfortunately not lethal.

To the chief’s left a low whoop is let out as the lasgun pair finally tag the Esher *female dog* as she shows her head for a moment to long.

The wyrd is now swaying and muttering to himself. The chief has faith and is sure mighty balls of fire will smite the wild women.

To his right the furthest group of three now consists of one shotgun wielding warrior locked in single combat with a sword wielding Esher. Seeing the right flank folding, the shaman group lets out a way cry and throw themselves into the fray; the adept lurching forward with the full intent of leaping into the ensuing combat involving Dirty Paws who is outnumbered fighting the manic juve and her burly companion. Unfortunately the mighty charge turns into a puny slide as he loses his footing and the adept slides harmlessly into the ganger knocking them both over, but at least the fights are fair again.

The shaman cries out a war shout to the gods and charges to the right to join combat with the remaining shotgun warrior.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Maskare without a clear shot, takes a moment to survey the battle. In front of her, the gangers are pushing back the intruders with might swings of their swords. Above and behind her, the support team spreads out in the buildings. Despite not actually doing much, they were preventing the intruders from gaining ground and allowing her warriors to close in for the kill.

The fights ahead were swinging in her favour, as the fight between Maya and the burly intruder brutally ended with a club landing across the intruder’s hand smashing the bones and causing him to drop his sword and retreat.

Further ahead the lone ganger facing the shotgun wielding brave and the skull adorned wild man came to a close, as the shotgun wielding ganger succumbed to the fury and the religious looking elder lost faith and turned to run only to receive a sword slice across the arm, cutting deep to the bone.

The remaining gangers poured fire on the enemy leader; the autoguns and shotguns shots come to nothing, but unfortunately for him, a plasma gun shot to the face does do something… melting most of the flesh and some of the brain matter. The leader slumps to his knees clutching what is left of his face.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

What had started as a perfectly laid ambush had now turned into carnage in seconds, with warriors succumbing to fire and falling to the fury of these wild women. Only two of which had suffered any kind of damage. The gods were indeed angry. With the chief on his knees using words that would make a goliath blush, the shaman staggering away trying to stop his arm from falling off, that left a measly two warriors firing their lasguns, the adept locked in close combat and heavily outnumbered, and a rather uncomfortable looking wyrd, the remaining Ratskins decided it was time to leave, and quickly slunk away, dragging and assisting their comrades in their flight.


--------------------------------------------------------------

And with that it was over around her –her gangers were recovering, all fine bar Saber who took the brunt of the fall on her face, once they pick up her teeth from the floor around her and if they could find a good quack she may be able to eat solids again but she certainly won’t be a pageant winner again.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Epilogue

Back at their camp with the chief and shaman both bed bound due to their injuries the ever eager shaman adept took it upon himself to enforce the chiefs will on the unworthy warriors who had failed so badly, never mind the will was coming from the mouth of a semi lobotomized, pain riddled chief, they were his orders and must be followed.

Under the adepts guidance strict training ensues, with one lucky warrior being nominated the target and the rest ordered to train harder with melee weapons than they ever had before.


-----------------------------The final draft--------------------------

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PostPosted: Wed Mar 28, 2007 4:36 am 
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A much improved rewrite. I could see a few minor things remain - some of which may just be personal preference.

Well done.

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"Always mystify, mislead, and surprise the enemy; and when you strike and overcome him, never let up pursuit." ----- Thomas Jacskon


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 28, 2007 4:37 am 
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A much improved rewrite. I could see a few minor things remain - some of which may just be personal preference.

Well done.

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"Always mystify, mislead, and surprise the enemy; and when you strike and overcome him, never let up pursuit." ----- Thomas Jacskon


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