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Evolution [Parallel Ch 3] - part 3 now up - complete

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PostPosted: Tue May 29, 2007 9:54 pm 
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s4G wrote:
Logan chanced a peak over the edge. Five Enforcers were right below him.

-----

He was pissed. All his life he had to fight for things, but this was plain and simple abandonment. Checking his watch Logan thought to himself, ‘This is the time, and this is the place where, I am supposed to be’. When he got back he was going to have a few choice words for them and Kray. Right now he had more pressing matters to tend to.


Firstly, I think you mean "peek" instead of "peak" - same sound, completely different meanings.

Secondly, that sentence is still a tad unwieldy. May I suggest a couple of alternatives...
- "This is the place I'm supposed to be, and the time I'm supposed to be there."
- "Right time, right place..." - short and simple.

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PostPosted: Wed May 30, 2007 4:36 am 
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Sergeant
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Man! And that was one word I remember thinking about... :-( I should have double checked myself.

And I see what you are getting at with the new sentence. Thank you Cykotek. i|


It may be frustrating as a writer to have your worked picked over - but for me... it's the only way I am going to improve. Thank you for taking the time to provide feedback.

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