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Blood on the planes (Part 1)

 Post subject: Blood on the planes (Part 1)
PostPosted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 3:00 am 
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Kasha always wondered about the world beyond her homeland Ashura. She had always wanted to travell north west to Arraugh and south to Hasharah. But she would never get that chance. She was an Ashuran girl, only 16 and among Ashurans women were meerly objects. She knew that wasent true, She had heard about how the Caelach treat their women like equals and women in their culture were warriors and leaders just as much as men. She wished she was so lucky. She was going to be married in afew days. Too a boy named Rasheem who was 17, Her father simply passed her on like an object. Her people were the Ashurans. They were nomads and never stayed in the same place for too long, They were masters of archery and hunting and also masters of horse riding and made excellent quality bows and arrows. Thats if you were a man. Women in her Kushir wernt even allowed to hold a bow. She sar in one of the caravans of her Kushir looking out the back window. Depressed. Seeing no joy or purpose in her future but to be owned by a husband she didnt even love. The caravans stopped. Her father quickly ran in and grabbed his bow and a quiver of arrows. He told Kasha and her brother Ushan to stay in the caravan and told Ushan to grab his bow and some arrows. Kashas father rode out with the chief and other top hunters of the Kushir.al the other hunters stayed back with everyone else-Too protect them. There was danger ahead. Kasha stuck her head out and asked her uncle Shar what was going on. "Youre father and the others are of to negotiate." He answered back to Kasha. "Negotiate with who?" She replied. "This area is Caelach territory, they have gone to negotiate with the Caelach for safe passage through their land so they dont try to kill us." He said in a somewhat shaky tone. An hour later Kasha's father and everyone else came back. They had looked like they had been talking to demons. The kushir started moving again and 20 minutes later stopped. Again. Kasha could hear the Cheiftan and his top hunters saying that the kushir would set up camp. After the camp had been established and everyone got settled down Kasha coudlnt help noticing that everyone, especially the hunters and the chieftan were nervous- Almost terrified.

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 09, 2007 12:01 am 
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If you're good you can get to get to pick from the treats jar like all the other special children.

Seriously, your writing is terrible. Your grasp of grammar and style is terrible. You don't set-up your setting and your story is spastic....

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 09, 2007 1:44 am 
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cheers

all i wanted was some critisism

if i said comments in the other post i think i worded it incorrectly

i meant FEEDBACK

So what didnt you like about the concept?

you dont like nomadic people do you?

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 Post subject: Re: Blood on the planes (Part 1)
PostPosted: Sat Jun 09, 2007 8:29 am 
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If you want some feedback on your grammar and writing style, here are a few points:

- Don't repeatedly start your sentences with the same subject (either their name or the preposition, in your case 'Kasha' and 'she'). Simple ways to avoid this are by starting sentences with adverbial phrases (such as 'Through the thick fog they saw the riders approach') or by having background-related sentences not including your character.

- Proof read your work and use a spell checker. Travell is spelt travel, meerly is spelt merely.

- Don't begin a sentence with a conjunction such as 'but' or 'and'.

- Learn the difference between 'too' and 'to'. Similarly for 'off' and 'of'.

- You haven't used a single apostrophe, learn how to. 'wasent', apart from being incorrectly spelt, should also have an apostrophe between the n and the t to denote the loss of the o. If you're unsure, this website covers the basics: http://www.apostrophe.fsnet.co.uk/

- Unless you're specifically writing in an avant-garde or artistic way, don't have one word sentences such as 'Depressed.'

- Don't have too many one clause sentences such as 'There was danger ahead.'

- Don't state the obvious. For example, you wrote 'they have gone to negotiate with the Caelach for safe passage through their land so they dont try to kill us'. The second half of that sentence is redundant because that's what safe passage means. Similarly, a common mistake is to modify a verb with a redundant adverb such as 'run quickly'.

- You've given a cultural context but no physical one. What does the caravan look like? What about the people? Clearly you don't want too much straight away, but if a new character enters you'll usually want to give a brief description of their appearance. Remember, whilst you have an image of the scene in your head, your readers don't.

I'm no expert and most rules can be broken if the context is right, but bad grammar and sentence structure not only makes you look bad, but also stops a reader engaging with your story. Keep at it though, writing is fun and can be very rewarding. :)


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 09, 2007 9:31 am 
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That was basically what I wanted to say, but I lacked the patience to do so. And, are you kidding? I love nomadic people. When I was younger, I wanted to run away with a band of gypsies.

The grammar is not really that important, grammar's easy to fix after the fact. What's important, is like I said and Meeshka mentioned. Setting. Style. Neither is complete or well thought out. Since you're probably still in high school, pay a visit to your English teacher. They're really good help when you're trying to polish up things like that.

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 09, 2007 7:38 pm 
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i think my impatience is my biggest problem as well because i dont take the time to go over words that i mistype.

Thanks alot for the feedback and ill try improve on what ive written.

Also is it cheating if i edit my stories after i (&#$@!) them up in the way i have?

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PostPosted: Sun Jun 10, 2007 9:00 am 
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kill frenzy wrote:
Also is it cheating if i edit my stories after i (&#$@!) them up in the way i have?

Everyone makes mistakes. Edit them quickly and no-one will notice. :P


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 24, 2007 3:59 am 
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Another suggestion: if you can edit the thread name, I'm quite certain you meant 'plains' not 'planes', unless they're aeronautical nomads.

Snakes are on planes, not gypsies.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 24, 2007 8:54 am 
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frenzy - I'm just getting around to reading this piece. The others have pretty much said what I would have (and better).

In a lot of ways my stories get typed all the way out before I go back and review them too. Mostly because there could be some things I need to change to make the story flow better through out.

I know I've posted many a story, re-read it, made a change, and then re-posted it (edited). Go for it.

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