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Everything to lose

 Post subject: Everything to lose
PostPosted: Wed Oct 06, 2010 2:47 pm 
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Well as someone who loves writing stories (and often getting marginally better every time) I felt giving backstory to my three spyrers something of a fun side project.
As a personal notion I personally feel the fluff for spyrers make them sound very uptight and if we want to be direct: have a chainsword stuck up their rear. So in a move to create characters, I decided to have 3 distinct persons (hopefully) in a short series in which I not only practice my writing but also get to grips with how to progress characters in a story alot better (practice makes perfect and I feel you can only learn from harsh critics! In other words: you!). Without further delay, lets get started.

***

"Hey, Shig, what are your plans for tonight: hard at work or hardly working?" asked GoShiGo, who compared to his friend was a juggernaut by the muscles he had.
"Most likely the former, old man has me getting those damn Iho sticks moved fast and damn move so slow they look like they are about to walk backwards" replied ShiGoShi, a slim and very skinny man however his attire padded out his appearance so looked considerably dangerous to pick a fight with.
GoShiGo gave a loud sigh of disappointment before giving his friend a full hearted slap on the back, intending to hopefully knock some fun out of him
"Come on, you know fine well you could shift those damn sticks faster than most people here could so don't give me your preaching of being a buzz-kill" "and I'm telling you to get stuck up a gro-" ShiGoShi was cut off by one of his other friends putting a hand over his mouth to silence him "Come on, don't be a poor sport and kill the fun. You hardly come out anyway so just once in a while get yourself a wild side and join in the fun" ShiNiShi requested. ShiNiShi himself was slightly shorter than both GoShiGo and ShiGoShi however had more meat on him that ShiGoShi.
Grabbing ShiNiShi's wrist and twisting it as to cause him maximum pain "I told you never to do that again Shin, does one need a broken wrist to understand I hate it when you do that!" threatened ShiGoShi with a hint of friendly banter in it. GoShiGo gave ShiGoShi a smile, the latter finally giving in "Fine, I'll join in whatever you have planned but for emperor's sake it better be better than last time" he declared before releasing ShiNiShi who rubbed his wrist in pain.
---
"For thrones sake, move you sad little lives. I told you to load those boxes quickly, not in a manner equal to that of a grox! MOVE IT" ShiGoShi bellowed. The workers were rather tired of their dictator however there was the fact any disobedience was met with one of his infamous holds he used which caused pain to shear into the very muscles and make even the strongest collapse in agony. "Unless you maggots get those blasted boxes onto that transporter in less than five minutes I will be dishing out free massages to the neck so hurry the hell up!" ShiGoShi threatened, his words now having impact with the promise of one of his 'massages'. Often the results were crippling for several days.
For the next few hectic minutes the workers pace increased as ShiGoShi's threats increased with rather sadistic glee to them all. most men considered him slightly unhinged but the truth was he was calculating and very very easy to annoy if things were ruined by someone not following orders. "Good good, finally got those boxes loaded and ready to go. Right, well what you looking at? get scarce now before I make you scarce. GET!" and with that finally dismiss the workers wormed their way back to whatever they had to do.
Looking down at his data slate he scored off the shipment from the 'to do' list and moved with a stride that bee-lined for his destination. The Las-and-lock tavern. After all, he tended to prefer being early than late.

"There you are captain drill!" annouced ShiNiShi at ShiGoShi's approach "you know, because your boring". "No matter what poison you give him, he doesn't ever get good jokes does he?" ShiGoShi replied aiming at GoShiGo "And then he wouldn't be Shin now would he?" GoShiGo replied with a laugh while ShiNiShi laughed alone looking oblivious to the jab at his choice of humour. "Well what has all and one and one and all got planned for these rather exciting evening in the hive" he asked "Well first is getting you decent language lessons, so here's the first step: this one is on me" GoShiGo handed him a pint glass filled with a foaming liquid that ShiGoShi looked at with some grimace. He never liked beer, never did most likely never will. "Aw Don't give me your crap, drink it" GoShiGo demanded with ShiNiShi nodding in approval however was under debate if he could stand without the aid of the counter he lent on. "I enjoy watching others fall over under it's effect, not being watched and giving others entertainment with my feets inability to sustain mine vertical preference" ShiGoShi replied with his two friends looking rather shot down for it. "Besides, who else would drag both your bodies back to your houses after the night is finished" he added with a grin with much laughter to it.
---
Behind him he guided the shambling wrecks of GoShiGo and ShiNiShi with their hands in his. GoShiGo had a black eye, several shallow cuts and had losted his shirt when trying to show off to some girls, he stated one had run away with it, they believe he had just got rid of it because the thing was full of knife slashes and blood, that of his opponent more than himself. ShiNiShi was better off with a far more well behaved look however still had symtoms of drinking far too much: a strange colouration in his shirt left it be concluded he had more than once voided his stomach along with the fact his mouth had not relented in bad jokes. ShiGoShi had been the only one sober who had not only ensured GoShiGo's safety of returning home he also had made sure ShiNiShi hadn't put his projectiles in the wrong direction. "You Shaw me take that Grshox-turd out, the shcum had the nurve to drashw a knife on mesh? Still Whooped his can" GoShiGo vacantly spoke. "I Shaw you, dat wash AWESHOME" ShiNiShi replied with a loud voice. ShiGoShi just kept on walking with their hands in his, they weren't exactly in the state to argue with him in where they were going because they had no idea where they were in the first place!
Eventually he had deposited both at their respective homes ensuring they had gone to bed. Staying outside GoShiGo's house he gave it one last look before striding off "Well that was a night. Heh, what a damn night" he said to himself. Inside his jacket his phone went off, answering he heard a rather annoyed voice demanding his immediate appearance. His father had called him in..."Bollucks!" he cursed as he hung up.


Well thats it for now, I feel it's ok however I can't improve on it because then I will again doubt myself again and again and it will never get anywhere. give me your comments and I shall improve my work as I go on. Anyway, bye for now!

_________________
If you have any rule sets for pretty much anything games workshop related, I would be greatful if you could point me in the direction of them or even better give me a copy. Things like the armoured company and such if what I am looking for etc. (even the specialist games which got expansions). PM if you have anything of my interest.


Last edited by shigoshi on Wed Oct 13, 2010 3:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 09, 2010 4:10 pm 
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re: your last bit about not editing a piece, only trying to improve on the fly...
That's not how you improve. Don't expect much help until you lift this caveat on feedback.

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- La Faim Justifie Les Moyens (The Hunger Justifies The Means)


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 4:05 pm 
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See, still a noob to this sort of thing. Removed the offending piece. Could of at least dropped something of a score on how bad it was (in this case I would give myself a 5/10 in this piece...some parts feel stiff! But not sure if thats 'artist curse' or true!).

Anyway, may as well add in the next installment to this piece.

***

Walking through the corridors of his large home, he felt more on his way to the executioners chopping block than returning. His father had called him and ordered his return immediately and he had sounded ticked. He reached the large double doors and gave a final sigh before walking into the firing range of his fathers office.
"Look whose finally returned. The idiot who can't inform me of his plans. I had plans boy and you were included and now I'm set back weeks, WEEKS! You do know our saying, yes?"
"Get stuffed old fart, you didn't inform me ether so you can't say anything you ancient crate!"
"Go ahead and say that aga-"
"YOUR AN OLD CRATE, get the wax out old man or is your hearing failing you? Sorry but you think you can call me back and just tell me I screwed up your plans when I had no idea of them in the first place and call me an un-informative git? For emperors sake, I shifted those crates of Iho sticks in DOUBLE FRAGGING TIME just to go out on my 'spree' just to earn it. Even then I had doubled timed any delivery you could do for the past 2 weeks. So you can clamp it"
"You feel it appropriate to talk to your father like this? Who gave you this home? Who gave you those skills?"
"Who the frag cares. Ever noticed I am hardly here? thats because I am using the tools you gave me and have now refined them myself beyond what you can do. The only thing I come here for is my bed and even then the credits I get from tips along from suppliers and shops alone is enough to pay for a bed in even the most pricey lodges in this spire. I serve you out of duty as my father, not for what you gave me. 'honour thine father' but in turn 'honour thine kin'. So what is it I screwed up so bad you thought it would put you back weeks?"
"Just leave...before I call the guards to take away my own son"
ShiGoShi looked at his father with disgust. Both knew fine well the results of that. Despite the guards being armed with carapace armour and bolters, he was equipped with two well maintained laspistols with hot-shot packs linked to them with their batteries hidden at the back of his hip. His father likewise had a bolt pistol in the same place on his right leg. His family always believed in being prepared for the unlikely. "What the frag was it then?" he pressed.
"It was a measuring session..."
"For?"
"Thats the surprise ain't it. Now get lost, like I said: before I call the guards"
"You really are losing it old man...really are" he said with one last bit of spite in his voice before walking off to his bedroom.

The room itself was very sparse. The bed itself was a cheap mattress on a metal frame with a decent quilt and a pillow on it. In the further corner was a rather well constructed chest. The thing was about the size of the bed and contained several things he had incase of an inciddent. For one: his stash of cash was all there under a second chest which was made to take even a melta blast and still not even budge. The first container area however held carapace armour custom made for him along with a hot-shot lasgun plus several frag and krak grenades plus 2 melta bombs, the helmet also had a photo-visor and respirator built in. He may be armed like a storm trooper but he sure as hell ain't serving the emperor...he barely keeps people protected here. He had bought this equipment for reasons of his own accord: nothing better to spend it on and in a way made him feel far safer. Falling frontwards onto his bed he fell asleep and dreamt of better days. The days when he could be a little unhinged and enjoy life.



Yeah, made it rather short however I felt the relationship between him and his father along with some minor character traits shown to be compensating. Hope it puts up a decent read for people. (also trying out the whole 'line per persons lines' technique, does it work well?)

_________________
If you have any rule sets for pretty much anything games workshop related, I would be greatful if you could point me in the direction of them or even better give me a copy. Things like the armoured company and such if what I am looking for etc. (even the specialist games which got expansions). PM if you have anything of my interest.


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 4:09 pm 
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Ok, will have a look at both of them over the week-end hopefully.

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- La Faim Justifie Les Moyens (The Hunger Justifies The Means)


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